The Vacation
The The bright reflection of the sun on our shades,
The waves hit our feet as toe walked :t the white sand,
The breeze of thick cool air was just right,
Made us feel relaxed like we were on vacation,
The salty fish and chips and nice cold ice cream made our taste buds feel like they were in heaven,
Our emotions had the best time of their lives,
The sunset went back to where it came from,
Then we snoozed and snoozed till the next morning.
By Kepoe and Laumua
This was the feedback that we got back from our teacher
Gemma gray’s comment:Talofa boys! Well done this is a great poem! You have used similes to help your reader visualise and to feel like they are there. You have also included some good adjectives. Well done! There are two suggestions I have for you both to have a think about... the first is that you have switched between writing in the past and writing in the present throughout the poem. I suggest that you stick to just one, for example, "the waves hit (writing about the past) as we walk (writing about the present/what is happening at that moment) through sand". If this is confusing I can explain it more to you, but have a go at working through your awesome poem and making sure that this is consistent Also what can you change your title to that will give your readers a hint about what your poem will be about?
We were good at using powerful verb in our poems like this one EG: the waves hit our feet as our toes go through the white sand.
I was good using personification I was describing how the person took a bite of the fish then I wrote that his taste buds were in heaven.
I got better at adjectives because I was describing the peacefulness of the beach like the sun was too bright that my shades were shining.
I felt happy because when I was writing this poem reminds me of the island of Samoa
Both of us need get better at working together and come up whole lots of ideas so when we other people read it the will think it a cool.
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